On Why Knitting Makes Me Fat

why-knitting-makes-me-fat

Hazards of knitting (besides sitting on a pointy knitting needle and bleeding to death):

  1. Decide to knit BIG poncho and buy 10 skeins of Really Expensive Yarn. Surely 1300 yards (1189 meters) oughta do it. Or at least that’s what the pattern says. Buying expensive yarn = stress. Eat chocolate.

  2. Knit and knit and knit and knit. This project is taking forever, and really I should be working on a new design (or at least thinking about a new design). More stress = more eating = more chocolate…also fresh bread and soft brie cheese.

  3. FINALLY, nearly TWO MONTHS later, working on the cowl. Sure to be done any second now (this was two weeks ago, mind you). Wind and start on the Final Skein. Anticipation of success = celebratory eating = probably was wine (I don’t exactly remember, to be honest).

  4. Finish cowl. Start on hood. Have never knitted a hood before. How big can a hood possibly be? Surely smaller than a hat? HOOD TAKES FOREVER. Impatience = more eating = back to chocolate.

  5. Nearing the end of the hood. Also nearing the end of the FINAL skein. Start to ask self: now just where did I put my swatch? I might need that. Pretend not to sweat it, but actually sweat it Quite a Bit. It’s all a blur, but I assure you, LOT’s of (American) Thanksgiving leftovers were involved. LOTS. Good thing this poncho isn’t fitted.

  6. Look at remaining yarn (not much). Find swatch (Thank God). Decide an 11th skein will likely be needed. Hatch a plan to have father pick up skein from Websters when he is in Ashland (five hours from where I live) on Sunday (if needed, but probably will be needed) and deliver when he visits next week. Pray Websters still has a skein and the dye lot will be Close Enough. EVEN MORE LEFTOVERS CONSUMED. (Why did I bake THREE pies?)

  7. Knit like a maniac. I must know. Will I have enough yarn? Or not? Finish short rows on hood. Still (a little bit) of yarn left. Look at photo in pattern and debate whether or not the finish trim is REALLY needed. Possible to skip?  Or reduce? Too much fretting = finding the bag of peanut butter cups I hid from my family last week and then forgot about = more eating.

  8. Finish hood. Figure out best way to seam hood (not as easy as it was supposed to be, but it all worked out). Decide hood is too pointy, but it’s too late now. Perhaps pointy hoods are underrated. File for: Ponder Another Day. You’ve got bigger problems now. Eight rounds of 100 stitches each and just a tiny bit of yarn plus a swatch. More peanut butter cups.

  9. Knit a few rounds. OUT OF YARN. Unravel the swatch. Praise yourself from hiding it from Reed. (He loves to steal my swatches.) Knit a round. Look at remaining yarn. Gulp. Knit a round. Glance at remaining yarn. Pretend to “weigh” remaining yarn in hand. Stress nibble. Knit a round. Repeat. Realize at some point you will surely have to tink when you try to cast off and can’t bind off the final twenty stitches. Seemingly inevitable. Still, you soldier on. Benefit of chocolate = bravery.

  10. Done. All rows. DONE. Ten feet of yarn remain (a bit more than two meters). That’s all that’s left out of 1300 yards. Two pathetic yards. From my swatch. Seriously.

Why Knitting Makes Me Fat. Knit humor from Andrea @ This Knitted Life.
Ten skeins knit. Ten pounds (4.5 kg) gained. At least this poncho will hide my waistline.

Now I am going to go freak out about whether or not my poncho will grow too much after I drag it out of my bathtub. I know my family (and cat) are going to be so incredibly excited about stepping over this (GIANT!) thing all week long as it dries on the heated bathroom floor. #livingwithknitters

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